Dirty Little Secret

So I got to work this morning, logged onto my computer, and my day went downhill from there. Waiting for me in my Outlook was an email from Sperm Donor....who will from now on be referred to in blogville as SD. I haven't mentioned him before in my blog...because I wasn't really sure what to say.

SD is from India, here on a work permit. We met when we were on a company bowling league together. We were together for 2 weeks. Not dating....just taking care of "needs". No strings attached. Well it only took 2 weeks for me to call the whole thing off. He was getting clingy and I just wasn't that into him. So I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. He didn't get it...wouldn't take the hint. (This is seriously making a long story short). Anyway, another 2 weeks go by and I realize I'm pregnant! You want to talk about shocked!!!

To this day he has never met Zander. Initially, that was my fault..or my choice, however you want to put it. When I was 8 months pregnant, he moved to New Jersey for a job. He lost his job here and had to take a job where a company would sponsor his work visa. We didn't get along. All we did since I had told him I was pregnant was argue. I would dread his calls. I didn't want anything to do with him. I soon realized he was a compulsive liar and couldn't even keep his own stories straight. I was busy getting ready for my baby and didn't want to have to deal with his problems.

I wasn't married and I was 34. I wanted for this to be a glorious time for me.I hadn't had a child thus far.....so chances were pretty good that this would be my only child. I wanted to cherish every minute of it. Remember every milestone and every detail. I just wanted to celebrate this new life in me. But it was marred by all of the drama and arguing. I realize that I brought this situation on myself. I know this! I can't help it if my head and my heart disagree on things. No one has been harder on me about this than myself. But I never once thought about ending the pregnancy. I had been given this gift, this one chance, and all I wanted to do was protect it.

After Z was born, I would get frequent phone calls and emails from SD. He suggested after a couple of months that he get to come visit Zander. I said no. Well, actually, I believe I said I would have to think about it....I would need to set certain conditions. This resulted in a very hateful and threatening email from him.....to which I then cut off all ties. I needed a few months to regroup.

Perhaps I would feel differently if I had actually been in a relationship with SD....where we had dated, spent some time getting to know each other, shared friends. But we didn't. Like I said, it was 2 weeks. During this time, he hadn't wanted me to tell anyone about him (although I did tell my closest friends). We were each other's "dirty little secret". He hadn't acclimated to being in the States from what I could tell. He would ask me about myself, but would never offer much information about himself. When I would talk about my family, my life, my religion...he would just say "back in my country we don't do that". I remember asking him once to tell me about his religion because I knew he was Hindu. He said "Don't you know anyone else that can explain it to you?" Really, that's an answer???? That was just sooooo weird to me. If he had asked me to explain Christianity to him I would have readily done so. I mean, you want people to ask you about your religion right? Especially if you are trying to get to know them. My religion is the basis of all of my beliefs. It is the core of the person I am. That is just one very small instance of the weirdness that is SD.

In November of last year we had gotten back to the occasional emails. He wanted pictures of Z and I felt obligated to send him some. Then things changed. He lost his job. Ok, follow me here because I fear I might slightly have something to do with the floundering economy. I truly believe in the power of prayer.....and I had been praying that SD would lose his job and have to go back to India. He worked at Bear Stearns.... and he did not make it through the 2nd round of layoffs. Once he lost his job, it felt like a lot of my burden had been lifted. He wouldn't have any money to fight me in court....and that was another of the huge fears I previously held. That, and him running back to India with Zander. I was constantly thinking about all the bad things that could happen.

I cannot explain my feelings except to say that every time I got an email or phone call from him this overwhelming feeling of fear would come over me. Red flags would go up. I would feel sick to my stomach. My chest would feel heavy. He would only email sporadically at this point. Just when all of the fear, and flags and nausea and weighted chest would go away....he would email again. It seemed I could never just be comfortable in the life I had.

So the last time I had gotten an email from him before today was on Mother's Day. He wished me a Happy Mother's Day and said how great I was because I was raising Zander all alone. (Not really, I have a great support system.....and apparently it really DOES take a village) He said he still did not have a job and he wanted new pictures of Zander. I had decided to be amicable. Not only for Zander's sake, in case some day in the future Z wanted to meet him. But also for the reason of - keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer. I need to know where he is. I secretly keep hoping that he will have to go back to India. I mean, seriously, how long can someone stay here on a work visa with no job? So, I asked him if he was still in NJ and if he was living with friends?

So today, over a month since I sent that email....as I had settled into yet another comfortable period in my life, I receive a new email from SD. In it he says that he is training for a job as a Linux administrator since the financial arena is so bleak. He lives in PA with a cousin of his (and for the life of me I can't remember him telling me he had any other family in the States). He is still living off credit cards because he cannot find work. He didn't ask about Zander - how he is doing - didn't ask for more pictures and didn't comment on the last ones I sent.

So now I sit here again with the sick stomach and weight on my chest. I was fuming earlier....this was going to be an angry blog. I had been letting it build in me all day today. But I came home and went out in my garage to paint a table I've been trying to refinish. I had my ipod on and was furiously painting while listening to 'The Killers' when 'Phillips, Craig & Dean' came on. I forgot I put them on my ipod a few weeks ago. Listening to them reminded me this is all in God's hands. With all of the worrying I'm only hurting myself here. I'm harboring all of this anger and fear over something that hasn't happened and may never happen. I just don't know how to let it go.