Legend of Slapping Beaver

Last night, Tricia and I had the honor misfortune of seeing Twilight.

I honestly don't even know where to start! This movie was sooooo hyped. And it seemed like everyone that has gone to see it either loved it or hated it....there was no middle ground. I really tried to go with an open mind.....really........I tried!!!!

But here goes......

There was so much bad acting in this movie that I seriously can't believe any of the actors were paid. I believe they were trying to show angst.....OH SO MUCH ANGST....but it came off looking more like they needed to have a bowel movement.

And when Edward was in the science class and caught Bella's scent....instead of looking like he was just trying to resist her.....he looked like he needed to vomit. He had the 'vomit' or 'needing to poop' expression A LOT!!! I don't remember him acting so badly in The Goblet of Fire.

Also, Rosalie....in the book she is supposed to be UNBELIEVABLY beautiful.....like breathtaking!!! In the movie, I think she would cost $5 on the corner downtown.

Bella drove me crazy with how she just couldn't seem to say what was on her mind without much prompting. I mean geez...I know she had to be coddled a lot in the book....but it was like she had Tourrettes in the movie.....oh, and I think she was constipated as well!

And Bella's Dad was kind of a jerkweed in the movie...I don't remember that being the case.

And what was up with her mother? Why was makeup withheld from her? She should take them to court for that.....because it was NOT pretty!

In my opinion (of course this whole post is my opinion) too much liberty was taken with this storyline. Too many unnecessary changes were made that added nothing to the movie. They could have put more actual content from the book in the movie and perhaps it would have made more sense. The story didn't flow. In the movie, I didn't care if Bella and Edward got together. He seemed like a stalker who was trying to convince her to leave him alone - it didn't make any sense.

And what was with James, Laurant and Victoria hunting people in Forks? Why was that even relevant in the story? It added nothing. It didn't make me like or hate them anymore than if it wasn't in the movie.

Luckily for Tricia and I, the movie theater was absolutely empty except for the 2 of us.....so it was like Mystery Science Theater 3000 2008 and we added our own commentary the whole time!!!

We laughed when Edward ran through the forest with Bella on his back. It was funny because it looked ridiculous. What was with all the camera panning around up in the trees - it made me dizzy. Were they trying to make me vomit? I suppose they wanted the audience to have as many vomit faces as the their actors did?

We laughed again when everyone was in the baseball field growling (was that growling or straining?) at each other...

Jacob looks nothing like what I had pictured.

Mike Newton was not cute.....I can't imagine him being the beloved jock of any school.

Jasper looked not only intestinally bound the entire time....but also surprised...like a deer caught in the headlights.

I thought Emmett was supposed to be bigger.

Carlisle was kind of cute....but he's not a real blonde. The problem I had with the male vampires, and I don't know if its because they all had dark hair for real, or if it was just bad makeup....but you could see all of their 5 o'clock shadows. Vampires are supposed to have smooth white skin....Edward was pretty hairy.

And SERIOUSLY.....could Edward not get his eyebrows done? I was expecting two wooly worms to get up off of his eyes and crawl off. Is he related to Bert on Sesame Street? Is he married to those eyebrows???? Let them go, Edward/Rob!!!!

And when Edward was 'glistening' in the sun...I was supposed to be in awe, right? - he just looked sweaty to me. And he was too skinny to be awe-some.

I know....all my bitching and moaning seems petty. It is, of course! I'm just very dissappointed. I'm trying to keep it light and funny though. Did any of you catch my humor? Ok, it was more sarcasm than humor.....but I find sarcasm funny......

Alice was the ONLY person that was casted correctly for this movie. Other than her...they need to scrap this movie and start over. If they don't want to do that....I hope they get a bigger budget for New Moon so they can afford a better makeup artist.....and some acting lessons for the actors - less constipation and pukey looks - PLEASE!!!

Nice soundtrack though......see, I found one redeemable quality!

Ok, were you wondering about the post title? If you've seen the movie and you still don't know.....then you weren't paying close enough attention to Bella's computer when she Googled 'Quileute legends'. I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING once I had seen that. Good thing the theater was empty, because that scene happened pretty early on in the movie.

Yes, I am 12!

Please, I hope no one is mad at me for trashing this if they liked it.

Now I'm going to go watch Daniel Craig in swim trunks to get the images of this movie out of my head!

Now, go see what Tricia thought of the movie....she has pictures....no, not of us......just pictures!