A Change of Heart....

The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm: 27:1

I worry.....its what I do.....its what I have always done. I internalize things to the point where I become nauseous......I don't know why....I have just always done this. I do talk about things with my friends and family and that helps somewhat.....but at night when I'm alone and the day is ending......all of those worries come back to me....and I can't stop them.

A few weeks ago, before Zander's 2nd birthday, his biological father, Chirag, emailed me wanting to send him some gifts.....and to see him. I kind of wrote about our relationship, or lack thereof here......but basically, I have not seen him since I was a few months pregnant. It was a rocky time and he moved away to get a job in NJ.

Since that time we have talked on the phone a few times and he has sent emails every few months.

In receiving this email, I didn't really know what to say. I kind of felt at this point I could not deny letting him meet Zander....not just for his sake....but for Zander's as well. So I said yes.

As soon as I got his email, the pit in my stomach became evident and grew every day I waited to respond to it......and then after I responded...it grew as I was waiting for his response back.

I prayed for the strength to get me through this....this unknown situation. After too much worrying about things out of my control I finally just asked God to take this on....I didn't want to worry about it anymore - it was just so tiring. As usual, God is good. I finally felt at peace - that this was the right decision.

The plan was set.....and this past weekend was the date. I both dreaded it and looked forward to getting it over with.

Chirag got here Saturday afternoon and Zander was tired because he needed a nap. My parents were here...as moral support for me, plus they had wanted to meet him too.

I have to admit - and I will admit when I am wrong - that I was pleasantly surprised with how everything went. It took a little while for Zander to warm up to Chirag, but once Z realized this man was going to give him his undivided attention and wanted nothing more than to play with him....well, Z was all about that. And it was really nice to see them playing together.

I think Chirag was impressed at how independent Zander is....how well he talks and understands things, how well he goes up and down the steps (this kind of made Chirag nervous), how he knows all of his colors, the names of so many things and he soon learned after playing with Z how freakishly strong he is.

We also had some time to talk. He admitted how nervous he was emailing me because he was afraid to make me mad....he thinks our misunderstandings with each other might be a cultural thing (he is from India). That might be partly true.....he is also a man and they tend to say stupid things sometimes (that is universal I believe). I did tell him how I felt absolutely sick when I hear from him.....I think it is the fear of the unknown. The fear that he is going to ask for some sort of custody of Zander.....something of which I'm not willing to give him. I told him I do not mind him coming here for visits.....and I know its far....but I'm not willing to send Zander there. He said he understood and would do whatever makes me comfortable.....he just wants to be a part of Zander's life. I could not argue with that.

I do feel like after his visit a big burden has been lifted. I don't know what the future holds.....and I know things constantly change. But he and I seem to be on better talking terms for now. He and Zander had a really good time playing together. Zander gave him a kiss and hug before he left too.

I have to be done worrying about this. I worried when I was pregnant about how he would want to be involved and I have worried for the last 2 years. I don't want to worry anymore - it is just wasting my time. I want to enjoy this precious time with Z. I have to continue to trust in God and believe that it is His plan that Zander is meant to grow up with me....that I deserve to be his mother (I still sometimes wonder how I was blessed with him).....and now maybe that doesn't mean that Chirag can't be a part of his life as well....

Zander,

I know that you most likely will not remember this visit. I took pictures and video for both you and Chirag. I hope you know I will always try and do what I think is in your best interest. I really hope that everything works out and that you get many more visits like this weekend. The way Chirag looked at you this weekend....it was obvious he is totally in love with you. Who couldn't be though, right? You are so loveable. And you are so deserving of receiving all of the love you can get. I promise to try Zander...regrets are hard to live with...and I've already had enough for a lifetime.

Love always,